


i took my love and i took it down

by wafflesofdoom



Category: Emmerdale
Genre: Episode Related, Established Relationship, Grief/Mourning, Light Angst, Love, M/M, Past Relationship(s)
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-12-21
Updated: 2016-12-21
Packaged: 2018-09-11 00:17:31
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,108
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/8945038
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/wafflesofdoom/pseuds/wafflesofdoom
Summary: after his conversation with laurel in the woolpack aaron goes to get some air at the spot down by the river he'd told her about. robert finds him, as always, and they talk about love, loss and the rest of their lives.episode tag to the 21st of december.





	

The December air was cold against his cheeks as Aaron stood on the bridge overlooking the river, his coat zipped up to his chin. He’d managed half a pint after his conversation with Laurel, before the pub had become stifling and he’d needed some air. 

It had been a while since he’d thought about Jackson, and while a part of him felt guilty for it, another, much larger part of him didn’t, because he had moved on - he had moved on from the broken nineteen year old he had been, moved on to better things.

But having talked about him, to Laurel, well, Jackson was on his mind for the first time in a while. Aaron could still remember that bright smile of his, the laugh that used to make his heart skip a beat, turning him into a lovesick idiot at the best of times. 

Aaron didn’t know if he’d ever get over Jackson completely. First love was a funny one, he knew that much, and whatever way he had felt about his first boyfriend, oftentimes it was overshadowed by how much Aaron hated him.

He hated Jackson for leaving. He hated him for pushing Aaron to help with ending his life. He hated Jackson for being willing to let Aaron carry that guilt with him for the rest of his life. 

God, he _hated_ him.

He hated him and he really didn’t hate him at all at the same time, because Jackson hadn’t been himself, in the end. Aaron understood that, he really did. He’d been there and he'd watched the life drain from Jackson in every single way, watched the strong, funny builder that he’d fallen for turn into a helpless, desperately sad man, and it had hurt, to see him lose himself that way. 

And it had hurt even more to know that Jackson didn’t want to stick around. Aaron swallowed thickly, remembering the way it had felt when Jackson died, remembering the overwhelming feeling of abandonment that had made his heart heavy, cutting through the guilt and the grief and the anger so often. 

Aaron had wanted him to stay, selfishly enough. He would have done anything to make Jackson stick around back then, though time had made him realise why it would have never worked even if he had.

Because first love was hardly _ever_ the one that lasted, and maybe they wouldn’t have been built to last even if Jackson hadn’t had his accident, if he hadn’t been hurt. Aaron hadn’t been in a place to want serious back then, and that had been all Jackson wanted from him. 

His feelings about Jackson were so conflicted, these days. When he’d just died, Aaron had just felt lonely, and sad, and he’d desperately missed him, he’d missed him so much it had hurt to breathe somedays.

But the in the years since, Aaron had learned that it hadn’t been perfect, it hadn’t been the sort of pure and fantastic love he had once convinced himself it was, and it wasn’t a lie to say that sometimes he did genuinely hate Jackson and everything he’d put him through.

It was a tangled mess in his head at the best of times, and talking to Laurel had just brought all those messy, confusing feelings to the forefront of his mind. The situations were so different, of course, and _God_ , Aaron’s heart broke for his neighbour when he thought about how she was having to watch her husband slip away and forget the life they’d lived together, the home and the family they had built together over the years. 

At least he would always remember Jackson, the good _and_ the bad. Aaron was almost grateful for it, because although life would be infinitely easier if he could forget the pain the pain losing Jackson had caused, at least he would always have the memories. 

He’d never want to lose the memories he had of Jackson. They had faded over the years, some of them blurry and confused, but all the same, they meant _something,_ even if what that something was exactly wasn’t so clear anymore.

“Hiya.” 

Aaron looked up to see Robert strolling towards him, wrapped up in a coat and scarf. He’d been in Leeds that day for a couple of meetings, and Aaron hadn’t really heard from him. 

It was almost a relief to see his fiancé, the soft smile and neatly waxed blonde hair a familiar comfort to him. “Hiya,” He echoed, offering Robert a smile. 

“Your mum said you’d gone for a walk.” Robert said, leaning against the bridge. His presence had relaxed Aaron immediately, in a way that he didn’t fully understand sometimes - how could one person just being _near_ you make you feel so at ease? “Said you’d been talking to Laurel.”

“Mm.” Aaron made a noncommittal noise, his gaze returning to the river. 

Robert nudged him. “Talk to me.”

Aaron looked at Robert, a genuine warmth spreading through his body. Two years ago, he wouldn’t have believed that he and Robert would be where they were today, and that wasn’t just the whole engaged to be married thing - it was the way they understood each other, knew each other’s moods and twitches and expressions so well. 

Robert could always sense when there was something up, and Aaron could nearly always pinpoint Robert’s mood with a glance. It was just the way they worked now, understanding each other, the good and bad, so completely that it scared Aaron sometimes, if he was honest. 

“I was talking to Laurel about Ashley, and everything she’s going through with him at the moment.” Aaron said, thinking back to yesterday and the panic he’d felt trying to get Ashley home. He paused for a second, gathering his thoughts. “And we got talking about Jackson.”

“I’m sorry, I know he’s tough for you to talk about.” 

“Yeah, he is.” Aaron admitted. “But I don’t think thats what my mind is even on, really.”

“Yeah?”

“I mean, yeah, talking about him made me think about everything that happened, and how much it hurt - but I’ve moved on. He’s a part of my past these days and I try remember the good stuff over how it ended as best I can, honestly.” Aaron said, looking up at Robert. “But today I couldn’t get the idea of us being in that position out of my head.”

“Aaron.” Robert’s voice was soft, gentle.

“I know its daft.” Aaron shrugged. “But with you, for the first time in a long time - maybe ever, I dunno - I feel like I’ve got a proper future to look forward to, and what Laurel and Ashley are going through, it’s made me realise how _fragile_ this all is. You and me, our lives here - we’ve got absolutely _no_ control over whats coming down the line for us.”

“No one ever does, do they? I guess that’s why we have to make the most of the time we’ve got.” Robert said, leaning against the bridge. “I think thats part of the reason why I proposed to you.”

“Yeah?” Aaron was surprised. They hadn’t really talked about why Robert had decided to propose, just days after raising an eyebrow at Aaron’s suggestion of serious commitment - sure, they’d talked about not wanting to lose each other in the hospital, but Robert had never said what made him walk into that jewellers in the end, and buy a ring so he could promise his future to Aaron.

Robert nodded. “I had already wasted so much time when it comes to you, and I just - I couldn’t do it anymore. I couldn’t see the point in waiting another year, or two, when anything could happen between now and then."

Aaron looked down at his engagement ring, the metal cold against his finger. “I couldn’t bear it if anything like whats happening to Laurel and Ashley happens to us,” He admitted, his shoulders hunched. “I couldn’t bear the thought of losing you that way. Having you stand in front of me and not recognise who I am.”

“It’s terrifying.” Robert admitted, shaking his head. “I can’t even imagine how that would feel.”

“I think it would feel like your world was ending.”

“Mine would, without you.” 

The sincerity in Robert’s words knocked the air out of Aaron’s lungs. He didn’t even need to look at his fiancé to know what sort of look was on his face, that wide eyed, heart on his sleeve look he’d developed over the past year or so, a look that was so far from the narrowed eyes and the ‘this is not a love story’ moments they’d had together when the affair had begun.

It was the sort of expression that made you feel as if this, him and Robert, was the greatest love story either of them had ever known.

“Promise me you’ll stick around.” Aaron found himself saying.

“I promise.” Robert said. “I can’t promise that nothing bad is ever going to happen to us, but I can promise I’ll stay. I’ll never give up on you.”

Aaron nodded. “Good.” 

There was a few moments silence before Robert spoke again.

“Do you miss him? Jackson I mean.”

“Sometimes.” Aaron said honestly. “I think I miss what _could_ have been. Like, a lot of our relationship was me taking care of him, and I never begrudged him that, I never would - but sometimes I think about the relationship I could have had with him if I hadn’t been so scared of who I was before the accident.”

“Regret is a powerful thing.”

Aaron shook his head. “I don’t regret it, any of it. I mean, I obviously regret the him dying part, but I don’t regret him.”

Robert twisted his ring around his finger, an unusual move for him. “I regret a lot of things in my life.”   
“Like me?”

“Never you. I regret the things I _did_ to you, the way I was, but I’d never regret you.” Robert gave him a soft smile. “I love you, Aaron.”

And there it was. Real, all consuming love. Love Aaron never thought he’d feel, love he didn’t think he deserved, not after Jackson.

Love that made him feel strong in a way he hadn’t before Robert.

“I love you too.” Aaron said, leaning against his fiancé. Automatically, Robert wrapped an arm around his shoulders, allowing Aaron to bury himself tightly against him. They stood in silence for a few minutes, the only sound the water rushing beneath them. 

This spot seemed more peaceful to Aaron now, less of a place to stand and scream, and cry his heart out - and even if it was that sort of day, a day where he wanted to shout and yell at the top of his lungs, somehow he knew that Robert would always find him there.

And that made all the difference, really. 

He couldn’t help but think about Laurel again as they stood, holding tightly to each other. Aaron didn’t ever want to understand what she was going through, how it felt to have someone you loved so much look at you as if you were a stranger.

He couldn’t imagine not having the chance to say goodbye. If he hadn’t been able to say goodbye to Jackson, it would have messed him up even more than losing him had - the chance to say a goodbye, a real goodbye, _of course_ it helped with the grief.

Laurel would never have that, not now.

His grip on Robert’s jacket tightened, and Robert pulled him closer in response, nuzzling his nose against Aaron’s hair. He didn’t need to say anything, Aaron knew - he knew by the way Robert’s lips moved against his forehead, by how tight his grip on Aaron was.

Of course he knew.

And he never wanted to stop knowing, because the idea of living in a world where he didn’t know how unconditionally, how absolutely Robert loved him, was a terrifying prospect. 

Despite the mistakes they’d made, the regrets he had, Aaron never wanted to forget any of it, because one way or another, it had all led to where they were now - a united front, a team, a couple the world would have to try much harder to break apart these days. 

“Lets go home.” Aaron nudged. 

Robert nodded, not relinquishing his grip on Aaron as they started their cold walk back toward the village, back to the pub and the warmth of their home, their family. It had been a hard few days, Ashley weighing heavily on everyone’s minds. 

But it was okay. 

He had Robert. 

That was all he needed, really.

**Author's Note:**

> i'll be honest, i don't particularly like jackson, but i'm always interested in how he affects aaron, even now. i hope you enjoyed!
> 
> (ps i know i bastardised the lyrics of landslide for this title but it didn't flow without an and.)


End file.
